This past week my class and I read about being partners in a relationship and not one having more power over the other. This is an argument that my husband and I had last week. For back story my husband donates plasma and had $150 on the card, his brakes desperately need to be done and I had said to use that money for them and he agreed.
A few days ago I reminded my husband that he needed to make an appointment to get his brakes done. He responded saying that did not have the money to do so. I told him that he should not have spent the money for the brakes to renew his Costco membership, I have one (joint with my mom) and he could have used that to get Costco gas. This lead to him telling me that I have no right to lecture him on spending money on frivolous things. My husband then proceeded to mention purchases of mine that were “frivolous” like food that I can eat (I cannot have gluten or cows milk) and workbooks for my children since they are out of school for six weeks minimum. Should note that they are not his children. My husband just kept badgering me and badgering me over what he called frivolous purchases (he seems to have the mentality that if it is not important to him then it is not essential) until I finally just backed down as he was not even listening to me so to continue would have been pointless. A few days after this argument my husband went and spent money on candy for himself because “he had the munchies”. So just a few days after he was getting after me for spending money on “non-essential” things he goes and gets himself candy. My husbands behavior and mentality are not healthy nor is it how God intends things to be; my husband did not treat me as a partner, he brow-beated me until I just stopped responding to him as it was not worth my time and it was driving the spirit away due to the contention.
This is not how a marriage is supposed to be, you are supposed to be partners, not try to get the upper-hand by beating on your partner. What I had purchased had nothing to do with him spending money that was supposed to be used for brakes on a Costco membership. All this situation lead to was damaging the communication, I cannot trust him to not badger me to get his way (bully me) when he messes up, and I cannot trust him to have mine or my children’s best interest in mind. This could have easily been “You are right, I should not have used the money for brakes on the membership.” Boom. done. Brakes are a safety issue, and I do not want to see him get into another accident or see my children get hurt.
Previously we read in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard the following regarding the story of The Good Samaritan: “We sometimes are so concerned about being right in an argument that we fail to be good….When we pound our spouse with logic or power, we are no better than the thieves. When we dispassionately witness our partners’ pains, we are no better than the priest or Levite.”
“When we operate by the telestial law, we act primarily to meet our own needs with disregard for others-just as the thieves did. Our automatic responses in family life usually operate at this level. Our needs are the guiding principle in our decisions. We act to protect our dignity and interests with little regard for the needs for our family members. For example, in a spousal squabble we attack our partners, their wisdom and goodness, in the process of proving that things should be done our way. We leave them injured and half dead as we stomp off to inventory our rightness.”
All my husband cared about was not being questioned for a decision he made and showing his “power”; when questioned he had to belittle me to make himself feel better and he did not care how he did it. When behaving like this I feel it actually makes the person look weak, he did not have a good reason to do what he did so he had to point fingers. My husband was not being my partner in this and treated me like I was an enemy and in turn behaved as an enemy to our marriage. He was not being “one” with me.
In “Who Is The Boss? Power Relationships in Families” I like following quote ” The husband should treat his wife his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem.”
“Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” D&C 38:27
An Eternal Marriage 