Having been married a few times I have dealt with different in-laws. In my first marriage even after we were married my in-laws continued to try to control their son in such a way you would think was dealing with a five year old instead of a grown man. They also tried to control me as well and when they could not To the extent they wanted to they started causing issues (more his mother than his father. I was also young, naive and a pushover). What really took the cake was when I was pregnant. She kept referring to herself as the mother of my child, tried controlling what I ate and what I did. She tried shoving her way into the room when I was giving birth, though I ended up needing an emergency caesarean, but while I was back there she took it upon herself to call the entire family to share the news and invite them to the hospital. Mind you my husband did nothing to stop this. So I come out, still drugged, and had all these people around. AWKWARD. These instances only got worse as time went on and with my husband refusing to set boundaries (and other issues) we divorced which lead to things becoming even worse as they wanted control over my son. 

Now, in my current marriage my mother-in-law is AMAZING!!! While she lives in Arizona and we live in Washington, we do still talk quite a bit. She gives me such amazing advice and is a good listening ear. I have only been able to meet her once so far and that was for a funeral (she unfortunately could not come to our wedding). We are planning to all meet in Utah this Christmas with her husband, and my husbands siblings and their families. 

Building relationships with our extended family is so important because if we all live worthily then we have eternity together, but also that is family and part of us and our upbringing. I know I would be upset if my husband were to try to cut me off from my family without just cause. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. Now, I do not think this means you are to turn your back on your parents and have nothing to do with them as that is not what the plan of salvation is about, but you are supposed to be one with your spouse so there does need to be certain boundaries.

This past week my class and I read about being partners in a relationship and not one having more power over the other. This is an argument that my husband and I had last week. For back story my husband donates plasma and had $150 on the card, his brakes desperately need to be done and I had said to use that money for them and he agreed.

A few days ago I reminded my husband that he needed to make an appointment to get his brakes done. He responded saying that did not have the money to do so. I told him that he should not have spent the money for the brakes to renew his Costco membership, I have one (joint with my mom) and he could have used that to get Costco gas. This lead to him telling me that I have no right to lecture him on spending money on frivolous things. My husband then proceeded to mention purchases of mine that were “frivolous” like food that I can eat (I cannot have gluten or cows milk) and workbooks for my children since they are out of school for six weeks minimum. Should note that they are not his children. My husband just kept badgering me and badgering me over what he called frivolous purchases (he seems to have the mentality that if it is not important to him then it is not essential) until I finally just backed down as he was not even listening to me so to continue would have been pointless. A few days after this argument my husband went and spent money on candy for himself because “he had the munchies”. So just a few days after he was getting after me for spending money on  “non-essential” things he goes and gets himself candy. My husbands behavior and mentality are not healthy nor is it how God intends things to be; my husband did not treat me as a partner, he brow-beated me until I just stopped responding to him as it was not worth my time and it was driving the spirit away due to the contention. 

This is not how a marriage is supposed to be, you are supposed to be partners, not try to get the upper-hand by beating on your partner. What I had purchased had nothing to do with him spending money that was supposed to be used for brakes on a Costco membership. All this situation lead to was damaging the communication, I cannot trust him to not badger me to get his way (bully me) when he messes up, and I cannot trust him to have mine or my children’s best interest in mind. This could have easily been “You are right, I should not have used the money for brakes on the membership.” Boom. done. Brakes are a safety issue, and I do not want to see him get into another accident or see my children get hurt.

Previously we read in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard the following regarding the story of The Good Samaritan: “We sometimes are so concerned about being right in an argument that we fail to be good….When we pound our spouse with logic or power, we are no better than the thieves. When we dispassionately witness our partners’ pains, we are no better than the priest or Levite.”

“When we operate by the telestial law, we act primarily to meet our own needs with disregard for others-just as the thieves did. Our automatic responses in family life usually operate at this level. Our needs are the guiding principle in our decisions. We act to protect our dignity and interests with little regard for the needs for our family members. For example, in a spousal squabble we attack our partners, their wisdom and goodness, in the process of proving that things should be done our way. We leave them injured and half dead as we stomp off to inventory our rightness.”

All my husband cared about was not being questioned for a decision he made and showing his “power”; when questioned he had to belittle me to make himself feel better and he did not care how he did it. When behaving like this I feel it actually makes the person look weak, he did not have a good reason to do what he did so he had to point fingers. My husband was not being my partner in this and treated me like I was an enemy and in turn behaved as an enemy to our marriage. He was not being “one” with me.

In “Who Is The Boss? Power Relationships in Families” I like following quote ” The husband should treat his wife his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem.”

“Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” D&C 38:27

In our reading this week we read Fidelity in Marriage by Kenneth W. Matheson I found that I relate to the couple referenced quite a bit, but here is my version of it.

My husband has a hard time with appropriate boundaries with other women. He has canceled dates with me a few times so that he could help female friends. He will also spend quite a bit of time talking to a female co-worker that he is attracted to and will do what he can to make her happy. My husband has also added her on Facebook despite knowing that I am uncomfortable with it. When we went to his work Christmas party he intentionally sat between us and kept me from really meeting her. While things may seem innocent it is considered emotional fidelity. “Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.”

A few months ago my husband accidentally left an email open and I ended up seeing a message that had a barely dressed woman. I found that he was getting a daily email with these type of women. I know it is not spam as he would read and then delete them. “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28. My husband does not know yet that I know about this. I will say that I have seen a change in him and it is not good. He is much angrier, spends more time on his video games, turns away from spiritual things (calls blessings just luck), and just is not happy person. 

These instances have hurt our marriage as he pulls further away, it also hurts the trust that I have for him. This has also hurt me on an emotional level. I obviously look nothing like those women and I cannot (nor should I have to) compete with video games. It is hard to see this as a problem he has and not as a refelction of me and that I am not good enough. As a result of how things are in my marriage I have been turning even more towards my Heavenly Father as I know only through his influence can things change  in my marriage.

Here are some questions to help you determine if you may have started having an emotional affair:

1. Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?

2. Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you are at home?

3. Do you seek opportunities to be with your coworker even when work does not require you to be together?

4. Do you email or text when not together?

5. Have you told your spouse about these messages?

6. Does the relationship with your friend/coworker take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?

7. Do you compare your spouse to them?

8. Would you be comfortable introducing your spouse to them?

If you would like to read the article referenced?https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

In Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. In chapter 11 Gottman talks about how gridlock problems are unfulfilled dreams, hopes or aspirations. A gridlock or perpetual problem is when you keep having the same fight; sometimes lasting years. My husbands and my gridlock argument is over cleaning as I would like a tidy home (not be embarrassed if someone stops by) and my husband just does not care! I am trying to decide what my unfulfilled dream is over this argument. Maybe my dream is to have a self cleaning home so that nobody has to do it and it is just clean or maybe a robot that cleans for me. I think of a show that my son enjoys called Bunk’d and in an episode they have a robot that cleans amongst other things. This robot ended up taking over the cabin and tried killing some of the campers -yeesh-. I personally do not want that to happen to my family

So where does it leave me not knowing my dreams over this gridlocked argument? I think this is where letting your spouse influence you needs to happen. My husband is one of those who just does not want/like to clean; he will walk right by a mess like it is not even there. He would rather do fun stuff like play on his phone (who does not?), but this is where priorities and being a responsible adult needs to come into play. If nobody cleans the house imagine what it would look like! Keep in mind that we have three children, four dogs and one cat so that that would be really nasty. I shared a few weeks ago how my husband ate some cookies that fell on an un-mopped floor. We have tried a chore list which did not help and I am out of ideas on how to solve this problem. My husband has not come up with any ideas either which would be helpful if he would because he is the one who does not want to clean. Maybe I should just kick everyone out after cleaning the home. I am only kidding about that….Maybe

This weeks chapters from Gottman are 8: The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict and 9: Solve Your Solvable Problems. There is two kind of problems; solvable and perpetual. I do think perpetual can turn into solvable if we allow our spouse to influence us like we learned last week. Solvable means you can find a solution to the problem. Perpetual means you will keep fighting over the same issue, sometimes for years.

A perpetual fight that my husband and I have is about cleaning (how often does that happen between spouses?). My husband does not like to clean and can walk right by a mess and it not bother him whatsoever. I work as a cleaner so obviously my job is to clean so I do not want to come home to a big mess. I am also allergic to his dog so having fur around the house irritates my allergies so having our home clean is also a health reason. We both work which is even more reason I need him to be a partner in cleaning our home. I have tried soft startups and harsh; neither have worked. My husband just does not see it as a priority to have a clean home. It has gotten to the point that I just do not say anything to him about it because it has become a waste of my breath to do so. At the end of the day I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. It is also hard to feel loving when I do not have a partner and it feels more like I have another child in the home.

This is where letting your spouse influence you comes in and turn this into a solvable problem. Right now I am not sure how to turn this into a solvable problem as I am out of ideas. I have tried finding a common ground and finding a compromise that we are both happy with. So where does this leave us?

This week our lesson has been about turning towards each other. We read a story from a BYU student called Turn Toward One Another. The husband decided to do a secret experiment about turning towards his wife. Instead of saying no to doing things with her like running errands he would say yes. He would look for ways so that he could say yes to her even changing his plans to do so. He started to have the desire to do more for her like watching the children so that she could do things she enjoyed, but could not because she did not have someone to watch the children. What he found was that as he did this his wife was more willing to let him enjoy things he likes to do and helped nurture fondness and admirations for each other. 

I think this change happened because she started to feel like she was important and a priority to her husband. 

My husband and I do not spend much time together as my husband generally turns towards his games. I cannot have a conversation with him as he is always staring at his phone and does not really hear what I am telling him. I am hoping that with the weekly date assignment that we can turn things around. I also shared the above story with him though I am not sure if he has read it. He later said that he skimmed it because “he didn’t have time.” This is just an excuse though as he spends hours on his games and reading would have taken five minutes. I had also ordered off amazon some conversation starters called “Our Moments- Couples. Conversation starters for great relationships.” It kind of feels like we are going on a first date because we are so out of touch with each other as distractions have taken over. I am hoping that after this assignment is over that we will continue going on weekly dates. 

So our first date did not go as planned do to not having a babysitter. What we did is we decided to go hiking as a family. It was a lot of fun going on the different trails. It was also nice to get to spend time with my husband without his phone.

What distractions are keeping us from turning to our spouse? Are these distractions worth what you are losing out on?

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, he has a fondness and admiration questionnaire and boy was it an eye opener for me on how bad things are in my marriage. I scored below 10 on my answers by a lot. Some of the true or false questions are: my partner really respects me, I am really proud of my partner, my partner finds me sexy and attractive. In a previous chapter I identified so much with Dara and Oliver over cleaning the house (page 37). My husband is one of those who cannot see a mess and think “I should clean that” as it does not bother him. (He ate cookies that fell on the dirty floor the other day!) This leaves all of the cleaning so I end up feeling like a maid or his mother. Then I do not feel wifey or loving because I am even more tired and do not feel like I have a partner. My husband is also one of those that his world revolves around his games. He has to have it going and cannot put it down to have a conversation with the children or I. This leads to feeling unimportant and disconnected as a couple. 

All of this leads to feeling burned out by trying to have a good marriage and wondering if my spouse will ever wake up and realize what he is taking for granted.  Can my marriage be better? I fully believe so, but it takes both of us to be committed to it for that to happen. So while I have no profound words of wisdom to share this week, I did have my own personal eye openers. I would encourage you to pick up a copy of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

” One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late.” Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

“Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.” Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Both of these quotes stuck out to me as I am currently dealing with this in my own marriage. Last week talked about how tomorrow is never guaranteed and I would like to expound on that a bit more. Are we really giving our marriages what they need or are we taking it for granted? Something my husband recently told me about buying a birthday gift or card before buying something for a volunteer work project was that I will always be around, the project will not be. What ended up happening is I did not get anything for my birthday and that hurt me. It was putting work before me. 

I once read a story about a husband who worked long hours to save to have a nice retirement, but he was barely at home and the couple became strangers. The husband had been neglecting his marriage in his pursuit of having a nice retirement. The therapist asked him “what is the point of saving for it if you will have no one to go with?” This also goes into tomorrow not being promised, she could easily become sick and pass away before he retired. 

In both cases the marriage was taken for granted thinking that there is plenty of time. Are you spending the majority of your time on meaningless things? You cannot take money or possessions to heaven, only your family so should they not get your best?

Here is an amazing video about priorities and what is important.

In my own life, am I striving to become a better husband or a wife, or preparing to be a husband or a wife, by understanding these basic principles?” Elder David A. Bednar “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan”

In my audiobook “Marital Relationships Seminar” by Douglas E. Brinley it talks about how some people think that once you are sealed for eternity that it is guaranteed. This would be false, you still need to earn eternity. You cannot neglect your marriage or family and think you still get to claim the blessing of eternity. 

Are we over scheduling ourselves? Are we taking our spouse for granted? Do we keep thinking “well there is always tomorrow?”

We do not know if we will have tomorrow as it is not guaranteed as anything can happen. Our spouse could get in a car accident, become extremely sick, or any other natural disaster. We never know for sure when the last time we will talk to them. How would you feel if your last moments with your spouse was done in fighting? I know I would feel horrible if that happened. I have seen numerous times the meme below that talks about how dead people get more flowers the living do. Why is that? We should be showing people while they are still with us how much they mean to us. 

Do not put off tomorrow what should be done today. If you knew your spouse or a loved one would die tomorrow what would you do today? Do it, do not wait. We should be devoting our best efforts to the strengthening of our marriage and our home.